The fall of the Cullen men
by leo22cuervo
Summary: What happens when each Cullen man mess up? This story happens, in 3 chapters all the Cullens will do something that mess the armony of their family. Crackfic, not intended to offend, just laugh and gross a little. Originally made as a dare.
1. Chapter 1: Edward and Jasper mess up

**Hi! This is the first story I'm uploading (and the only one written so far :P). I hope I don't offend anybody, is intended to be funny, and disgust a little. Thank for this chapter to Goldmoon Reader who dared me to write it. And I thank SeffyDazzled who corrected it (I'm a spanish native, so I can have errors).**

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**Chapter 01: The Dream is Over**

Suddenly I wake up, alone in my bed. I can hear snoring, confirming that Charlie is still sleeping, so it must be pretty early, but Edward isn't here. I'm not entirely surprised I woke up, because I don't feel his coolness.

Well, maybe he went to change clothes, or the family called. So I go back to sleep.

When the alarm starts I shut it down, and again, Edward still isn't here. For now I decide to shrug it off and do my morning routine.

While I was eating breakfast I hear a car pulling in to our drive way. I get up quickly expecting that it's Edward, but when I open the door, I find a sobbing Alice.

"Alice, are those tears?!"

"Of co-course not! It's just the ra-rain."

"Come in quickly then, what happened? It's not Edward, is it?"

"No no…. we-well, partly," she says looking a little more composed now.

"Oh my god, is he ok? Tell me please!"

"Yes, yes he's fine… more than fine that-that… cold, heartless monster." She has a look in her eyes that says 'I'm thinking of all the ways to torture him', and it's kinda scary. But her words are more important right now.

"How can you say something like that Alice! Tell me what happened."

"I can't talk about it right now, please Bella, could I stay here a little while I calm down? I'll tell you everything later." She looks up at me with puppy eyes full of sadness and pain. What could Edward possibly have done to make her feel this way?

"Yes, yes of course Alice, come into the living-room and sit down. Do you need anything?" I can't offer her a coffee, can I?

"No, no I'm fine, thank you Bella. I just want to sit here quietly for a moment." With that I let her be. I do some chores; put some clothes in the washing machine, although I can't stop thinking that something is very wrong.

After I finished every possible chore of the house, I sit beside Alice and look at her expectantly.

"Ok Bella, I'm still feeling like crap, but I'll tell you. This morning I went hunting with Rosalie to make her company, because Emmett is currently with Esme in Seattle, helping her on a house, moving furniture and carrying stuff for her. When I was in the middle of drinking a deer I had a vision…. a vision of Jasper… and Edward… kissing…"

At that I just could gape at her in shock, but she continued.

"I started to run as fast as I could to the house, but I just got there in the exact second the kiss happened, so I was a first hand witness to that…" She started to sob softly again.

"Alice ho- how- … why… I-I can't." I couln't form a coherent sentence. How could Edward, after the many times he swore about his love to me, cheat on me? And with another man! His brother!

Then I hear a soft nock on my door.

"Go away! I don't want to see you ever again," Alice replied crying and yelling at the same time.

"Please let me come in. I can explain everything, please Bella." I couldn't listen to his voice and remain indiferent, so I did two things: I opened the door, and started sobbing when I saw him standing in my doorway with all his beauty.

"Please, Bella. Believe me when I tell you that the kiss wasn't something planned. It just happened."

With a shaky voice I managed to ask, "But why? Why did you kiss him? If this was nothing, how could you do it?"

"Bella, I said it was unplanned, I never said that it didn't mean anything." Those words were like a slap in the face—they left me breathless and I had to hold on to the door knob to prevent falling down.

"Wha-what do you mean? You love him?" I screech.

"No Bella, of course not, I only love you. But that kiss meant something. After so many years of hearing Alice's thoughts about Jasper…I can't help but find him atractive, and today I found out he felt the same."

Of course he does, who doesn't find Edward hot, that's obvious. But it still doesn't make any sense.

"You mean that you're gay? And he is too?"

"No Bella, it's not like that."— He pauses in thought— "Well, you could say it's like that… but I assure you that it's purely physical. I only love you." He attempts to dazzle me with his mesmerizing eyes— As if that will solve anything.

"You say it like it's something trivial, not important. How would you feel if you saw me and Alice kissing?"

"Weeell, honestly, that would be pretty hot. She's beautiful, you're beautiful; you two could only be beautiful together…"

After what he said I just stared at him in shock. What happened to my Edward? This is not him. How could he change so much?

"I don't believe you. This is a joke, isn't it? Please tell me it's a joke. I can't believe you are saying all these things."

At that exact moment two things happened at once: firstly, Edward's face crumbled down, like sadness was killing him. And secondly, Jasper joined us. When he saw Edward (and I KNOW he saw Alice crying too) he came closer and embraced him, saying soft, comforting words in his ear.

"It's going to be ok… they will understand and we can be together… Shhhh… It's ok."

Hearing that made me lose it.

"Go away. I don't want to see you both never again! If you come near me, I'll spill everything I know about the vampire world. Just go away."

I glared at them, waiting for them to leave, and then I slammed the door and went to sit next to Alice, to cry with her.

"What are we going to do now?" She asked me in a soft whisper

"I can only think of one thing…" I said at the same time as Alice had a vision.

"Ok, start packing Bella. I'll go get my car and say good bye to everyone." She understood my plan perfectly.

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_Two years later…_

"Alice? Did you see my pills? I'm thinking that today I'm going to sleep with that cute guy from yesterday.

"Sorry, here they are Bella. I was cleaning the apartment a little."

After the incident with our boyfriends, we escaped to Las Vegas, and now work as waitresses in a large casino. We make a good living, they give good tips, especially if we "served" them after work, and we always have Alice's gift to multiply the money easily.

We are living a carefree life, never happy, but enough to bear our pasts. I have been married three times, I remember two of them— the third I was too drunk.

Alice has pretty much done the same things as me, expect for the drunken part. Although, things have changed somewhat; every once in a while Alice has the urge to drink from a human, and she does. I don't blame her for it, I understand it. It is her only outlet.

"Ugh, it still hurts a little," I complain holding my stomach.

"Are you sure, Bella, that it's okay for you to have sex so close to the abortion? What did the doctor say?" We still love each other very much and take care of each other, although her being a vampire makes it easy for me to take care of her.

"Yes, of course it's ok, Alice. Nothing happened the other times, and I enjoyed it as much as always." That means faking a lot of orgasms…

"Ok. I'll see you later. I want to buy a new bed and I need money, so I think I'll play a little roulette," Alice said as she started to leave.

"Be careful, I don't want the cops here again because the casino accuses you of cheating."

"No worries," Alice called out before shutting the front door.

I sat down on the sofa. I pick up a pen and paper and start writing what's going in my mind, something I now usually do. My thoughts immediately turn to the Cullens.  
Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett come and visit us now and then, but they aren't very fond of our lifestyle, so they don't stay for long.  
Eddie and Emo-boy are living together. Yeah, that's right; they live together in Alaska now, isolated from everyone. The rest of the family is too mad by what they did to us to maintain contact with them. But I know that Carlisle calls them once in a while to check on them.

Alice tries the best she can to ignore visions about them, but she was so attuned to watching Jasper that sometimes she can't help herself and sees something.  
Sometimes it's something innocent, like them walking in the forest watching the sunset. And sometimes it's something horrendous, like the time she saw Edward tied up and Jasper dressed in leather.  
When Alice got that vision she started to cry, saying that she was the one who had taught Jasper his moves. I simply shuddered.

I guess we'll just keep living this life until we get tired. Alice and I are organizing everything for my change. We decided that on my 21st birthday she'll change me so we could party forever. I must say that I'm gonna miss some things like all the alcohol, and maybe my parents. I haven't spoken to Charlie since last year and Renee calls, but we don't really have a conversation. Jacob came to visit once, but Alice managed to tie him up and we did naughty things to him. Now, well, he doesn't ever want to come near us again. Oh well, what can you do about it? Maybe we'll hit on Emmett the next time they visit, and I certainly want to test Carlisle.

Good bye and greetings from gorgeous Las Vegas. Don't believe in boys that spend more time dazzling than loving their girlfriend.  
That warning was something I didn't listen to, and just look at how my life turned out.

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**Well, the second chapter it won't take that long. Hope you liked this one. Bye! Saludos**


	2. Chapter 2: Carlisle's turn

**Well, here is the second chapter, I don't think is as good as the first, but it's enough to bring Carlisle down :P**

**Again, thank you to SeffyDazzled for betaing this chapter (You forgetful forgetful girl)**

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**Fatherhood**

Call my children: _check_

Water the plants: _check_

Clean the house: _check_

Planned a hunting trip to Africa for the next month: _check_

Well, I think I'm all done.

Since 5 years ago this house feels so empty. Although Bella is now a vampire, she and Alice don't come to visit. And we don't visit them often either; their apartment is awful and I can't ignore how they look at my Carlisle. I heard about what they did to that kid Black, and how they tried their way with Emmett too, so we're not going to visit again soon. They've become worse than the Denalis.

When I think about the cause of their current lives, I can't stop worrying about Edward and Jasper. I feel for my children. I'm mad about how they cheated on their loved ones, but I still love them dearly and want the best for them. Edward and Jasper call once a week to exchange news, but they never have anything important to say— living in the middle of Alaska is isolating.

I hear footsteps coming from outside. Carlisle is about to return from the hospital but the steps sound like those of a children.

_Ding-dong! Ding-dong!_

As I go to open the door, I smell the scent of a boy, and find it surprisingly strange; it smells good, but it doesn't appeal to my thirst.

"Good afternoon! Are you Esme Cullen?" Asks a small boy. He's around six years old with blond hair and blue eyes like the sky. He sounds quite respectful and intelligent for such a small child.

"Yes I am. What do you need sweetie? Did you come here alone?"

"Yes, I came alone. I need to speak to you about a very important matter."

"Well, then. Come inside and tell me about it." Aww, he's such a little gentleman. I want to eat him! In a human sort of way that is.

After we took a seat in the living room he looked up at me and started explaining why he came to talk to me.

"Mrs. Cullen, I will start by telling you about my life, before tending to the subject I came here to refer to you about." Aww! When is Carlisle coming home? I want him to meet this child.

"My name is John; I was born two years ago." I must have a very comical expression in my face right now, because that's impossible.

"Please, let me continue. I was born two years ago. I'm not human, not completely, I'm a hybrid between a human and a vampire," he said in complete calm.

"Honey, what are you talking about? Vampires don't exist and you certainly are older than two."

"Mrs. Cullen, I know you're a vampire; I know how to recognize your kind. And I grow at an accelerated pace, I'll be an adult by the time I'm seven years old."

Well, he's saying some interesting things "Please, call me Esme, dear, but how could you be conceived?"

"The usual way."

"What happened to your parents?" He doesn't look like he's on his own.

"My mother died at my birth, my father wasn't capable of saving her when I bit my way out of her womb." He had such a sad face as he explained, it broke my heart.

"And what about your fa-?"

In that exact moment Carlisle came through the door. Amazingly, I hadn't heard the car. I'd just been so focused on the child in front of me.

"Esme, love, we have a guest?"

"Yes, a most curious one. He claims to be a human-vampire hybrid, come meet him." At my words Carlisle's eyes grew so much I thought they were jumping out of their sockets. Slowly he moved next to me and stared at the young boy.

The blue eyes moved to watch my husband. For a second I had a picture of a complete family formed in my mind, and my heart clenched at the feeling of the baby I can't have.

"Hello father, I hope you're not too mad; I thought it was time to talk to Esme."

At this point I was the one with my eyes bugging out. My head bouncing between John's calm face and Carlisle's sudden enraged one.

"What are you doing here John?" Carlisle asked. "How can you do this to me?"

…_What?_

"Car-Carlisle, is it true, then? He's your son?"

"Dear, please let me explain everything to you"

I was losing my mind, but I'd always thought of Carlisle as the kindest and most honest man on Earth, so I'll let him speak. Maybe he found the boy and decided we should adopt him? But why so much rage? It certainly wasn't because the surprise was ruined.

"Ok Carlisle, explain everything. It is the least I can let you do after almost 90 years of marriage."

"Well, a few years ago I received, via Alice, news that the Volturi found out that a vampire could inseminate a human woman, if done carefully, and a hybrid would be born."

I could see where this was going.

"What in god's name made you want try it yourself, Carlisle?" I was starting to lose my patience, and that made Carlisle a step back. He knew why Rosalie and Alice looked at me as a mother figure... it was because I could be fiercer than both of them combined.

"At first I didn't think much of it. I was just curious about how that could happen, but then I saw you so sad in the house, without our children." At this point I interrupted.

"And you decided to conceive a baby with another woman to give them to me?"

"Eh... wellll... I did it all thinking about you and your happiness. All those women meant nothing to me." He looked so sincere and I almost caved, if it this hadn't been such a serious matter, I would have. But then a thought crossed my mind.

"Women? Did you just say 'women'?" I asked with such a cold calm that Carlisle looked, if he could, to be sweating bullets.

Then John decided to cut in. "I have six siblings; four sisters and two brothers." Such a beautiful smile on his little face as he delivered the crushing news.

"And he has been taking care of all of you?" I asked John. Where did he make the time for it? How could I not have noticed? He didn't abandon them, did he?

"We have our mothers," John answered simply.

_Mothers?_ "Excuse me?_"_

"Two of the mothers managed to survive. Father had to make them vampires for them to live, and they take care of us."

At this I turned to Carlisle. "So you not only had sex with a woman, but with several, and condemned two to this life?"

"Please dear, they mean nothing to me. They are like nannies for the children I wanted to give you."

"But father, you said you loved them. What I don't understand is why you keep trying to make babies with them if you said that a vampire woman can't get pregnant."

I cocked an eyebrow and started to plan my future, without Carlisle. This had gone too far. The 'funny' thing was watching how Carlisle started to lose his composure, and look as if he wanted to kill the boy.

"John, why do you lie? You know it is bad to say lies!"

Wow, he lost it alright, the poor kid looks frightened.

"John, would you like me to adopt you?" I said to the scared child.

"You want him then? It makes you happy what I did?" Carlisle looked at me with a hopeful expression.

"Are you delirious? Of course not! But I don't want this poor child to live with a polygamist bastard." At this John took my hand and smiled at me.

"Ok, John, come with me while I get my luggage"

"Dear, what are you doing? Where are you going?"

"Carlisle, please, don't be like this, it's embarrassing. Are you trying to make me believe that you hid two vampires and seven children for two years all for me? Tell me, why didn't you bring John to me as soon as he was born? Assuming he's the older one"

The image of an ancient vampire, highly intelligent, with his mouth hanging open because he can't think of an excuse is sadly funny.

I took John to my bedroom, filled two suitcases with clothes, grabbed some important things, and we went to the garage to get my car and finally leave. While I was doing this, Carlisle was sulking behind me, looking at me with sad puppy eyes.

What would I do now? I can't stay near here. Maybe I should go to live with Alice and Bella? They say they have a bearable life, not living with their mates.

"_I see trees of green... red roses too_

_I see them bloom... for me and you_

_And I think to myself... what a wonderfu-"_

I really should change my ringtone now.

"Hi?" Only one person would have so great timing for calling.

"Hi Esme! I'm really sorry, now I understand why Carlisle was blurry from time to time. I have problems seeing you now; it's probably the hybrid's fault." I could almost see Alice pouting through the phone.

"How are you sweetie? Have you seen my decision?"

"Yes, that's why I called. You shouldn't come here; it's not the place for you."

"But I don't know what to do now! My family was my life, and now I don't even have my husband..."

I had to keep myself calm; I don't want to cry in front of Carlisle, even if he isn't right here beside me.

"Well, Bella here had a good idea just now."

"Which is?

Bella always was a smart girl, well, except for the part of falling in love with a bisexual polygamist vampire. Although, he never really got to be with both at the same time, so it's not really polygamy, is it?

"We think you should open an orphanage. You love kids, and their love would fill your heart with enough warmth to live pleasantly for rest of your life."

Wow, that _is_ a good idea. I don't even know why I didn't do it before, Carlisle or no Carlisle. But...

"Don't worry Esme, I'll pass you all the money you need, and you can get papers to open it from the emo asshole." That's how she calls Jasper since their separation.

"Well, if you help me plan everything, I'll do it."

"Honey, let me help, please—" I can't believe Carlisle keeps insisting.

"You better stay away from me and my kids, or I'll make sure the Volturi find out about what you've been up to." I wouldn't, even now I still love him very much, but it's the only threat I can think off.

_2 years later _

"Bye, you all be good in school, don't make the teacher angry"

I kiss good bye to all the children that go to school, the bus is waiting for them.

The Plath Orphanage is five miles outside Seattle, and I now take care of 20 children. John now looks ten years old, and I also take care of one of Carlisle's other son who didn't like their stepmothers and wanted to come with me. Peter, the little boy, looks like a seven years old but he's actually three. My other children (the human ones) range from a two year old boy I took from an alcoholic mother that lives in the streets due to her addiction. The oldest is sixteen, he's an addict so I have to be very careful— I keep World of Warcraft far, far away from the orphanage, such an evil game.

Bella and Alice actually help me more than I thought, not only with the money they make, but every couple of months they visit and help.

Carlisle, go figure, now has a third wife, and three more sons. I'm starting to suspect he's assembling an army, or he just doesn't know what a condom is.

Edward and Jasper come to visit me every few months—obviously not when the girls are here—and act like the psychology crew of my home, between the two of them we can find out what problem a child has, and can take actions accordingly.

I'm happy with this life but every night after all the children go to sleep, I cry for a moment, just thinking of Carlisle and his actions, especially when he calls to beg me, and even tries to have phone sex. The pig!

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**The third and last is not completed yet, but finally I got the idea of how to do it fun. It's Emmett's turn! See you later. Saludos**

**PS: Oh right, review!**


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